Marvie's Crochet Corner

Poor poor pitiful me

I'm feeling pretty crappy right now. So ignore my little pity party if you want, I just have to get it out of my system.

I can't decide if I am a horrible mom or a horrible person in general. See I can't seem to follow through on things, so huby has just up and decided that the kiddo is done with his hard labor. (he still had 40 hours or so to go) It al came about bc the kiddo hasn't been doing such a great job on his daily chores (vacuuming, litter, trash and recycle) and though I had said I would go behind him and check his work, I have't done a very good job of that. Hubby came home today, and once again the kid had done a shitty job on the floors, so hubby just started talking about how he doesn't care anymore and he'll just do shit himself from now on since no one else will do it right etc etc etc. Now, normally I would just let it go and try to do better about things, but hubby has been on me for years to stop being such a wimp (my words there) and stop avoiding confrontation, so I stepped up and said WTF is your problem? Well, after some talk and tears it turns out that I apparently don't do enough, and when I do it's not good enough (this is my take on it not his words, like I said I am having a pity party) so he'll just do everything from now on and won't ask us to do anything but sit around and get treated like royalty (not his exact words, but words to that effect) blah blah blah. I said well excuse me for being in pain 24 hours a day with my back and having started my period yesterday which exacerbates the pain ten fold. Neither of which I can control. (seems he thinks for the past two years I haven't done much of anything house wise) So I said well up till B started his hard labor and daily chores, I did all sorts of things, even though it causes me pain. I vacuum the floors nearly every day (except when the pain is really bad) I do all the dusting, I deep clean the kitchen (though he does dishes he never moves shit to wipe counters, just the fronts) I scoop litter at least once if not more times a day, I mop the floors once or twice a week, (he does laundry usually, but anytime he doesn't, I always do it on Monday) I clean the bathroom (though not usually all at one time like he does, I do a bit each day bc all the bending and scrubbing kills me) and those are just the things I do al the time. I also do deep vacuuming weekly (again something that kills my back, but I do bc of his allergies) I wash walls and baseboards every so often (another back killer but he doesn't do it, ever) I wash the kitchen and bathroom counters and cabinets, I vacuum the furniture, I wash kicknacks and picture frames every so often.... and Goddess only knows wht else I can't think of right now. Now, like I said, I haven't done any of those things much since B started his chores and hard labor bc he's done most of them every week. What he hasn't done I have, but always when huby is at work and B is outdoors, so if they don't see me doing it they don't know it's been done.

Hubby comes home from work and asks me "So, what'd you do all day besides nothin'?" and usually I reply "Just that" no matter what I have actualy done that day. So it seems he thinks I just sit around crocheting and surfin the net 24 hours a day.

Some days I do, some days I actually get shit done. Apperantly no one can tell that though. So that tells me one of two things, either our house is such a pigsty no dent can be made in it (which is completely untrue!) or it's clean enough that you can't tell when something gets done because it was already clean(ish) to begin with (meaning if I see one or two spots on cabinets I clean all the damn things even if the rest are clean.)

Frankly the only things you can actually notice get dirty are the floors, because with four cats, a kid who can't remember to wipe his feet, a hubby who wears his boots in the house, and my bits of yarn on the floor and hardwood floors, they absolutely must be vacuumed daily. If they aren't you can very much tell. And dusting, you can see the dust on certain pieces of furniture hours after I've dusted (so imagine it a week after) oh, and of curse scooping the litter.... that must be done several times a day. (I do it when I get up, kiddo does it with his dailies and hubby does it sometime in the evening)

But I do admit, I don't follow through on things very well. I'm a flake sometimes. I forget shit easliy, or I'm hurting to badly to give a damn, sometimes I'm depressed and dont give a damn, so yes, I dont' always get things done the instant I say I will, and sometimes I dont get things done at all.

He seems to think the place would fall apart if he wasn't here to take care of all the shit I don't do.... well who the f*ck does it when he's out to sea for days/weeks/months? Hmmm let me think, well hell, that would be lil ol me. Not only do I do all the shit I listed earlier, but I also do the shit he usually does, plus I pay all the bills, plus I take sole care of the kid and all his needs, plus I do all the shopping (which included driving on a suspended license) plus I somehow managed to get time to socialize and craft. And nope, the house doesn't turn into a pigsty when he's gone. Frankly it's cleaner usually. Neater too, though he is generally neater than I am. I'm a bit of a clutter bug (which I have mentioned before) but I do clean up my clutter at least weekly. Granted it's usually back pretty quickly, but it gets picked up on occasion lol.

Part of the problem is the small space we have here. It feels messy even when everything is put away bc there's just so much shit in such a small area. I do try to keep my mess contained, and I can clear it all out in minutes when company is coming, if that counts for anything lol. Part of the problem is our differnt personalities, he's military minded and a bit of a clean freak. I like clean, but need my clutter as well (hey it's clean under the clutter rofl) and yes I do *need* it! And part of the problem is that he just doesn't understand me. I can not help the pain, nor can I help my forgetfulness. I have to live iwth it, frankly, so does he. I do the best I can, and frankly I never feel appriciated and half the time I dont even feel loved (but that's a whole different pity party altogether) but I muddle along anyway.

Maybe it's time for me to go back on my anti-depressants.

K, end of pity party. I'm gonna go take myself a nice hot bubble bath and read his bathroom book for a while. Then I'm gonna stay up late and watch some Stargate SG-1 and eat some brownies (bc I can't seem to loose weight so why the f*ck not)

posted by Marvie at 1:16 PM