Marvie's Crochet Corner

Rmembering the Dead

Photo courtesy PDPhoto.org


As Samhain draws near, I find myself thinking a lot about my deceased loved ones. Makes sense, since this is when the veil between the worlds grows thin and communication with our deceased becomes easier.

In particular, I’ve been thinking about my mother. I was 11 years old when she was killed. She was hit by a drunk driver on Easter Sunday in 1984. One week before her 44th birthday. She was driving home from work, on a quiet lonely stretch of road after the bars had closed. Mama was a bartender at a small hole in the wall place way out in nowhereville. (Or so it seemed to my 11 year old mind. I don’t honestly recall where the bar was, but it wasn’t in town.) A 21 year old girl, who had been out drinking all night, ran a stop sign and slammed into my mother’s car. Mama was killed instantly they told us.

I miss her so very much. I always have of course. I’m still pissed that her life was taken from her so early. I’m pissed that she was taken from *me* so early. I’m pissed that she didn’t get to see me grow up, or see her grandsons. I will always be pissed I think. It was so damned senseless. Had she died from a disease or natural causes, I wouldn’t have this anger. I’m not angry over the loss of my father just a few short years later. I’m not angry over the loss of any of my grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. But I am pissed over the life that was stolen from us when that young girl got behind the wheel of her boyfriend’s truck and drove into the side of my mother’s car.

Mama was a wonderful woman. She had a heart the size of the state we lived in (Texas) and she would do anything for anyone. She’d give the clothes off her back if someone needed them. She didn’t have much of an education; her jobs were always low paying waitressing or bartending jobs. That’s the only thing I can recall her ever doing. Tending bar or waiting tables in some 24 hour pancake house type place. She worked her ass off though and she did her very best to provide for me. I never doubted that she loved me with her whole heart.

Mama had just started to get on her feet financially, and she’d met a man who treated her right. They were engaged to be married. She had so many years left of life. But it was stolen from her.

I know that girl (woman now) has had to live with the fact that she killed a person. I hope that it’s prevented her from ever again getting behind the wheel of a car after drinking. I hope that every year on the anniversary of my mother’s death, she remembers the life that she took in her stupidity. I hope she learned from it. And I hope she never ever forgets.

I try not to hold bad thoughts about that girl. I don’t wish a lifetime of sadness or bad things upon her, but I don’t want her to forget either. I’ll never be able to forgive her for killing my mother. Sorry, that will never happen. I do not hate her, but I can never forgive her either.

On October 31st, I will light a candle for my mother. I will think of all the things she never got the chance to see or do. I will surround the candle with pictures of me, and of my boys. If there’s a way for her to peek through, I want her to see us. See how I’ve grown up, and see her grandbabies photos.

I will light candles for the other family members as well, but my thoughts will mostly be on Mama.

I will light a candle for my dad. He was 56 years old when his heart gave out. I was 14 years old. Daddy was a pretty awesome man. He was a Marine in his younger years and supported his younger siblings until they were grown. He worked in the oil fields, he drove 18 wheelers, he played the guitar and had a wonderful singing voice. He even recorded a single once upon a time (there is a photo of the record). I wish I had his voice on tape or something, but I don’t. I can still hear him sing in my head sometimes though =) I loved my daddy with all my heart. He was my hero. I hope that he too can peek through and see how I’ve grown up and see his grandsons. I hope that he somehow knows that I passed on his name in two of my boys. I hope he can see how they look just a bit like him.

I never really knew most of my grandparents. My mother’s father died when I was just teeny, I’ve only seen pictures of him.

I did know my mother’s mother. Granny was a big part of my life up till Mama died. I have many memories of time spent with Granny. I remember her teaching me to crochet when I was little. I remember how much I loved to brush her long black hair. I remember going to church with her on Sunday. I remember the wooden blocks someone had to attach to the peddles of her car, because she was so short, that was the only way she could drive. I remember working on huge puzzles with her. I remember when she had her first strokes, and later, going to visit her in the nursing home. I don’t remember her funeral, because I wasn’t informed of her death. Mama’s family never bothered to stay in touch with me after she died. I’m a little angry about that too.

I don’t really remember my dad’s parents. I guess we didn’t spend much time with them. I have very few real memories of them. I will light candles for them all though.


I will light a candle for my older half brother Henry. He died when I was just 4 years old. I wish I had a photo of him, I can sort of recall his eyes and that he had light colored hair. I remember he gave me a set of toy pots and pans for my 4th birthday, they were burnt orange. I worshipped him. He was all grown up and married at the time of his death, in his early twenties I think. His wife’s name was Becky. I named my favorite doll after her. He drove off a bridge, fell asleep at the wheel on his way home from working the graveyard shift. And he had a black dog. The dog went everywhere with him, and was in the back of Henry’s truck when it went over the bridge. The dog survived the wreck, but died a week later. From grief they said, there had been nothing physically wrong with him.

I will light a candle for my cousin my marriage who lost her battle with cancer a few years ago. She was mother to four beautiful children. She fought hard, but in the end, the cancer won.

I will light a candle for other family members who have died, those who I can’t give names to because no one has bothered to keep in touch with me these past two decades of my life.

I will sit and think of these loved ones, remembering as much as I can about them, honoring their memory. Maybe, just maybe, some of them will reach through on that night when the veil is thinnest and let me feel their presence. I hope they will know that though they are no longer here with us, that I have not forgotten them.

posted by Marvie at 9:12 AM